Category Archives for "Uncategorized"

Sep 20

How to Have The Hard Conversations – Without Damaging Relationships

By Terry Condon | Uncategorized

[vc_row][vc_column column_width_percent=”80″ overlay_alpha=”50″ gutter_size=”3″ medium_width=”0″ mobile_width=”0″ shift_x=”0″ shift_y=”0″ shift_y_down=”0″ z_index=”0″ width=”1/1″][vc_column_text]Difficult conversations are part and parcel of leadership.

No one enjoys being the bearer of bad news, it can feel like we have to choose between being honest, and being liked, and no one doesn’t want to be liked.

The good news is, mastering the art of the crucial conversation can be learned. In fact this is one of the skills that sets great leaders apart from their peers. In this post we will look at how to deliver bad news and strengthen bonds with staff at the same time.

Sink Or Swim

Early on in my career in sport I learned the importance of having the hard conversations when I had to explain to athletes why they were not yet fully recovered from injury, and should not return to play.

Its tough telling someone who already feels bad (most athletes feel guilty when injured) that they have to feel bad for a little longer. It’s just as tough informing head coaches their athletes aren’t ready.

I made my fair share of mistakes early, but I worked to learn how to communicate effectively and when things worked out I took notice. Here are a few things I’ve learned:

1: Do your work early:

In the past I have covered the importance of spending time with your staff and showing them you care about them as people. If you haven’t done enough of this, it’s probably not going to go well no matter how good your intentions.

If your long lost Dad showed up one day and told you off for smoking cigarettes when you were a teenager, would you even listen?

Attempting to establish rapport and delivering bad news in the same interaction is a recipe for disaster. If staff know you genuinely care and have their best interests at heart, they will generally front up even after initially reacting angrily. If you’ve barely spent a minute with them, of course they’re going to pissed.

Also, it’s important that if you know bad news is coming, prepare them for it. Most people can take bad news if it is not entirely unexpected, its only when peoples expectations are violated that emotions tend to boil over.

Giving regular objective feedback when performance is not meeting objectives or expectations is crucial. These need not be long conversations, and if you leave it too late, you run the risk of surprising people in the worst way.

2: Show them how to take it

A comedian can pick someone from the crowd and be incredibly crass toward them, yet have that same person in hysterics. Posture, facial expressions, tone of voice and eye contact say just as much or more than words.

The way you are when you deliver bad news is they way they will be. If you appear anxious, uncertain or fearful, athletes will match your behaviour in kind. If your alarm systems kick in, so will theirs and things only get worse from there.

If you act like ‘yep look this is not ideal, but I think we’re going to be fine’ athletes respond much more predictably than otherwise. Treating staff like capable adults more often than not sees them acting that way.

3: Use the STATE framework.

In their book ‘Crucial Conversations, social scientists Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler formalised what they call the STATE my path framework.

This simple tool is handy for guiding the sequence and content of conversations where stakes are high, emotions run hot and opinions can vary.

Of course the book presents all the science behind this model, but we don’t need to know how electricity works in order to enjoy its benefits, so here it is.

Here is an example of the STATE my path framework in action:

 Share your facts – tell athletes what information you think is relevant to your conclusion.

‘Tom I noticed you’ve left work quite early on three occasions over the last two weeks. You also turned up late to the last Friday’.

Tell Your Story – talk them through how you came to your conclusion

‘This makes me think you might not be as committed  as others, so I am considering having to performance manage you’.

 Ask for Others Paths – Check to see if your facts are correct, or they see it differently?

‘Tell me if there anything I am missing here? Are my facts correct?’.

 Talk tentatively – avoid being overbearing or overconfident in your assertions

‘I do know you have plenty on your plate right now with exams coming up’.

 Encourage Testing – Check again to see if your conclusion is reasonable.

‘So please let me know if there is more to the story than I am seeing. I am here to help’.

Conclusions For Leaders

Of course things aren’t always going to go swimmingly, sometimes people lose their heads no mater how careful and conscious you are of your communication. However if you keep your cool and don’t get pulled in to their emotional whirlwind, most people calm down with time. It is important to remember you are not responsible for how others choose to act, you can only set the stage.

We don’t have to choose between being honest and being liked. When we are comfortable having the crucial conversations we actually foster stronger bonds, because we get to deeper levels of understanding through these interactions.

If we can learn to manage our own emotions we are much more effective at helping others manage theirs. This can help us build better relationships with staff, relationships that are based just as much on honesty and transparency as camaraderie.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Jun 14

5 Books That Will Make You a Better Leader

By Terry Condon | Uncategorized

Ever come home from a conference, read a book, had a conversation or listened to a talk where you gained some amazing information and failed dismally to impress your enthusiasm for such information on those who may benefit from it most?

Most times, the more emotionally involved you are with an idea, the less able you are to share it effectively. This is because biology and evolution are actually working against you, causing you to be on your worst  behaviour forcing your ideas on others instead of working with them toward a shared solution to a problem they acknowledge on their own. 

Knowledge that cannot be shared effectively with others (through our deeds or words) is of zero value in todays information age. Those who are able to share specialised information most effectively create the best results, receive more opportunities and achieve more success in general. Fortunately, ancient and modern science can offer us a framework which can help us better teach anyone, anything.

In order to prove myself genuine, I have attempted to use the very principles I wish to share with you to teach this framework. This framework is the result of summarising the content of 5 key resources in 5 key points I believe every information worker should read, understand and act on. Read on if you wish to learn how to help others learn and get more from your head into the heads of others.

Please note, I receive no financial reward for the content I reference below. I simply endorse the authors and their information.


1. Understand Them

Everyone has a set of priorities and these govern how they filter their world. Take the time to discover and communicate in relation to others top priority (Telos) and you will gain their attention.

Harry is a caveman; he has just come back from a long journey east, where he learned from the great tribes of the sea their far superior methods for making huts.  Upon his return, he notices how ugly the huts in his village are in comparison, and how dangerous and inefficient it is to build them. Harry is determined to teach his neighbour Fred the new and improved hut making method, and gradually improve the whole village using this method.

Last time he came back from a trip and tried to teach Fred how to hunt better, he simply shrugged his shoulders with a glazed look on his face. He clearly did not appreciate how superior Harry’s new method was, Harry tried and tried to persuade him to learn but eventually his persistence began to annoy Fred. Not wanting to test the relationship in case Fred got violent (as most cavemen tended to) Harry decided to drop it.

This time, Harry decides to take a special interest in Fred and observe his behavior closely, as he does this he notices that Fred tends to talk a lot about his family, he goes to great lengths to make sure they are always safe and provided for. He notices that Fred’s oldest son is nearly old enough to begin his initiation into adulthood. One day he asks Fred what he plans to teach the boy first. ‘How to build of course!’ Fred says gruffly, without turning around.

2. Make them feel safe


Our brains are wired to be on the look out for differences (which are perceived unconsciously as threats), emphasising similarities & common ground opens people up to you and your message. 

‘A wise choice’ says Harry. ‘I plan to do the same with my boy, a man must learn how to use his hands so that he can care and provide for his family’. Fred turns around to face him now, nodding vigorously in agreement. ‘And what would you say a good father should teach his son to build first?’ asks Harry. ‘A hut replies Fred excitedly, what good is a man who cannot put a roof over the heads of his family?’

‘Agreed my friend, a man who cannot shelter those he loves will find it hard to attract a mate’ Harry replies mirroring his enthusiasm. ‘And what sort of hut do you plan to teach him to build?’ he asks Fred. Fred looks confused; ‘the same type of hut everyone in the village builds of course, isn’t that the only type of hut there is?’

3. Entertain Them

Mirror neurons in the brain have evolved to allow humans to simulate experience (key to learning), telling stories allows people to feel the emotions associated with an experience. The emotion centres of the brain control decision making and therefore heavily influence a persons actions. 

Harry smiles and replies ‘until recently I believed the same thing, but on my travels I learned otherwise, would you like to hear about how a great tribal elder of the East taught me how to build safer, sturdier and more beautiful huts? These huts were the most beautiful I have seen, and I noticed the men in this village who built them boasted the most attractive mates’. Fred nods excitedly, ‘of course, my boy would be the toast of the town if he was the first young man to build one of these huts! Please tell me about your experiences!’.

Harry obliges and tells Fred of his experiences with the tribal elder who generously passed on his knowledge over the course of a six-month apprenticeship. Fred laughs as Harry tells him how terrible his first attempts were and how the locals pitied him. Fred listens as he describes the new luxuries that a family can experience within these new huts and how they seem happier than those within their village. Suddenly Fred looks at his hut and back at Harry. ‘Would you teach me how to built such a hut Harry?’ he pleads.

4. Educate them


Cultivate a culture of conscious practice, break it down for people and keep it simple, give small chunks of (the right) information and facilitate fast and targeted feedback.

To Fred’s delight Harry agrees, though he warns Fred; the first hut would take some time, since the elder explained the Harry, the best way to teach someone is to first model the correct techniques, and then describe the process to the learner, before supporting them as they practiced themselves. Harry will build his own hut first as the model, and then describe to Fred how to undertake each part of the process before allowing Fred to imitate his model.

Over the course of the next 6 months, Harry replicates the apprenticeship process taught to him by the old tribal elder. He teaches Fred only the parts allowing the whole to gradually reveal itself over time. First he focuses on building the foundations of the hut, describing the process to Fred as he watches, Harry learned that the best way to teach is to use concise vivid descriptions that make it clear what to DO, not what not to do. Once he is satisfied Fred understands, he allows Fred to go to work on building his own foundations.

Before Harry agreed to teach Fred, he made sure Fred agreed to first apply any feedback he received before reflecting on it. Harry learned from the wise old elder that discussing the merits of advice given is essentially a waste of time since its merit cannot be accurately assessed until applied.  So when Harry looks over at Fred’s foundations, he provides clear and concise feedback that Fred accepts and applies immediately. Harry is surprised how quickly he can teach complex ideas since he does not have to discuss every piece of information he gives.

Harry, like his teacher before him is a stickler for detail. So he insists Fred master each part of the process before he teaches him the next part. This frustrates Fred a little in the beginning but because he receives clear and concise feedback (which he acts on without question) at regular intervals. Fred begins to trust Harry more since progress becomes evident more rapidly, while his belief in himself, and the process intensifies.

5. Encourage them

Feedback that draws attention to the process encourages people to seek challenge and growth in their pursuits, whilst drawing attention to the outcome creates anxiety and destroys confidence.  

When Harry asked the wise old elder how the whole village learned to be so good at building these huts, he chuckled. ‘They always learn the right way which is as I have taught you, and they are trained to appreciate the process as opposed to the end result. Valuing the process makes the task enjoyable and encourages mastery, which is why the huts in our village continue to evolve and improve while those of most other villages like yours stay the same.

Harry took this to heart at the time, so whenever he compliments Fred, he makes sure to emphasise the process and the effort Fred has displayed in mastering each part of the process. Fred begins to take immense pride in his work and his appetite for learning and improvement becomes insatiable. He is truly inspired by the task he is undertaking.

One day Fred invites Harry over for to enjoy dinner with his family in his newly finished hut. He is proud of his creation and the life he can now provide for his family. Harry is impressed at the quality of his craftsmanship and the home is indeed beautiful. ‘Congratulations!’ he says to Fred, ‘your home is beautiful and your family must be so proud of your efforts and the time you took to master your craft for their benefit’. Fred positively beams with delight.

Years later, Harry and Fred are sitting on the front porch of Harry’s home. From their view on the hill they see a village that is now the envy of all others surrounding it. Many people come to live and work here since the quality of life (thanks to Harrys huts) the villagers enjoy is unparalleled.  Fred points out the beautiful cityscape and says to Harry ‘this is all because of you Harry, thank you for what you have done’.